All the Good Girls go to Heaven

[Trentorio]

So I chewed off all my nails reading this during the last slow part of my day at work...and then I had to continue reading the story on my phone on the way home from work with my poor husband having to deal with me yelling out loud at the events of the last two chapters (Yup, I couldn't wait a half hour to get home to finish it, it was that well done). I felt rage and I felt sadness that made my cheeks flush as if I was the one who had just been rejected and then I felt more rage! This is better than a novel, I love tragic infuriating love stories.

Had I realized how -awesome- the stories on this forum were, I would have been reading a long time ago.  I can't wait for the next chapter.

[ApplesApplesApples]

So I chewed off all my nails reading this during the last slow part of my day at work...and then I had to continue reading the story on my phone on the way home from work with my poor husband having to deal with me yelling out loud at the events of the last two chapters (Yup, I couldn't wait a half hour to get home to finish it, it was that well done). I felt rage and I felt sadness that made my cheeks flush as if I was the one who had just been rejected and then I felt more rage! This is better than a novel, I love tragic infuriating love stories.

Had I realized how -awesome- the stories on this forum were, I would have been reading a long time ago.  I can't wait for the next chapter.

Thanks! I love tragic infuriating love stories too. That's why I write them. Welcome to the forum!

[ApplesApplesApples]

Sadly, in all probability there won't be a new chapter tomorrow. Friday is dubious, but I'll try for then. If not, I'll see you on Saturday.

[loveSims]

Can't wait until she talk to Cayden! Awesome update.

[Katluvr]

I swear I have a love-hate thing going on with Cayden.  I admired the fact that he broke up with Aliyah for what he perceived to be her good.  Whether or not it might have been misguided, he was at least motivated by his love for her to do what he thought was in her best interest.  Chalk up one point for being noble and unselfish. 

I was on the fence about him marrying Bindi.  I mean he certainly is deserving of happiness, as is she, so it had the potential to be a good thing.  I chose to believe he married her looking for something positive in his own life rather than out of spite because he couldn't have his true love, Aliyah. 

Now I think he is an absolute skunk for lying to Bindi and treating her like garbage.  I understand he's had a hard life and all, but that is never an excuse to abuse someone else.  He's going to have to work really hard to redeem himself in my eyes. 

[MoMoll]

You have a wonderful way of setting the pace for the next chapter! Your dialogue is good and I can't wait to read more!

[ApplesApplesApples]

Chapter 15

Dawn dusted my room with gold and orange. My guts twisted in nausea and discomfort, and I didn't appreciate the spectacle of the sun slowly rising over the horizon. My mouth felt sticky. My eyes hadn't closed more than a few minutes all night, and they ached like they were about to fall out of my skull.

I put myself in motion, rambling down the stairs and through the dining room, where Milo sat typing at his computer.

"You look like you haven't slept," he said.

"I didn't."

"Looks like I'm not the only insomniac in the house."

I didn't answer him and went to the garage to get my car. I took the road to Cayden and Bindi's house slowly, wary of my slow response time. I hoped no animals would cross the street in front of me.

When I reached the house I saw that Cayden's car wasn't there. Bindi had gone out, too, because my knocking brought no response. I knew it would be next to impossible to locate Cayden, so I scribbled a quick note on the back of a flyer I'd found stuck on my windshield a few days ago.

I found the key under a rock beside the front porch and let myself in. I didn't even have to consider where to leave the note, a place where Bindi wouldn't see it and Cayden wouldn't miss it. I stuck it inside his laptop. For a moment I wondered if I would find out anything looking through his files, but I didn't think he'd leave anything incriminating anywhere someone as useless with computers as I was could find it.

I hung out at a coffee shop across the street from the park. It had a good view of the area, so I would see if Cayden approached. I drank cup after cup of coffee. They must have switched me to decaf at some point, because otherwise I would have jumped through the roof.

Cayden didn't take as long as I thought he would. I'd only been there two hours when I saw him walk over and take a seat on the rim of the fountain in the center of the park. I got up and left the shop, forgetting to pay.

He half-ran toward me as I approached. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Did something happen?"

"You're the most horrible person in the world," I said.



He sighed. "I missed hearing you say that."

"I went to visit Bindi yesterday."

"Did you?"

"Yeah. Not too happy about that, are you?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Bindi told me that you didn't want her to be my friend anymore. You told her she wasn't good enough for me."

"You stayed up all night thinking about this?"

"That's all you have to say?"

He frowned. "Bindi told you that?"

"Yes. Between the sobs and the trembling with terror she managed to get that out. How could you do that to her, Cayden? Are you frustrated because you can't have me and you take it out on her, like you did with the butterfly?" My voice rose to a pitch everyone around us could hear. I didn't care that several people stopped to stare.

"I told her that you were probably too busy to come see us. I was trying to comfort her, because she thought you didn't care about her anymore." His voice rose as well, and became rough with anger.

"That's your story?"

"Why didn't you come to see her, Aliyah? I'm curious." He got close to me, the way he'd always done before when he wanted to intimidate me. It worked much better now that I had no confidence he wouldn't hurt me, but I didn't back off.

"Why did you send Zach away? Tell me the truth, just for once."

He licked his lips as though considering his next words. "You want the truth? The kid bugs me."

"That's why you sent him away against his will?"

"We talked it over, Aliyah. He said he would miss Bindi, but he wanted to go. He hates me, too. It's mutual; it's not just me. This is the best boarding school in the East Coast. He's bright; he'll go straight into the best high schools, and from there to Ivy League colleges, which I will pay for."

"He's seven. He can't decide things like that."

"You grew up in Wonderland, Aliyah, but seven-year-olds have to make important decisions sometimes."

"Yeah. Look at the great decisions you made when you were seven. If you'd had an adult to make decisions for you when you were that age maybe you wouldn't be the way you are now."

He closed his eyes. I could tell he wanted to yell at me, but he seemed to get himself under control and opened his eyes again. "I took care of my mother. I did what I had to do. If someone had tried to make my decisions for me, my mother would have been in a mental clinic, I would be in foster care, and we never would have met."

"I wish we'd never met."

His eyebrows jerked up. Either he didn't believe me or he didn't care what I said, because there was no pain on his face.

"Bindi didn't want Zach to go away," I said.

"Frankly, I don't think it was her decision to make."

I scoffed. "Whose decision was it? Yours?"

"His legal guardian's. His grandfather's."

"Really? And this wouldn't be your way of separating Zach from his family, because you were separated from your father? I know how you work. That would be the perfect revenge for you. Making him suffer the way you did. Because all the world is out to get you, right?"

He ran his fingers through his hair like he wanted to pull it out. "You don't know what you're talking about, Aliyah."

"I guess you're going to tell me you sent Bindi's grandfather away because he wanted to go and be in a retirement home instead of with his granddaughter."

"Yes. Bindi didn't want him to go, either, but again it wasn't her decision. Her grandfather is a legal adult, you know. He can make his own decisions."

"He's old and his judgment isn't perfect. That's the kind of thing a person like you would take advantage of."

"His judgment's fine. That's just speculation on your part. Do I have to remind you that you haven't seen him in several years?"

"Bindi is miserable, and you like it that way."

He scrutinized me for a moment. "You think I'm abusing her."

"Why else would she be terrified? Why did she quit her job even though she didn't want to? Why didn't she want me to talk to you about what she'd said? Why is her self-esteem lower than it was even when she had no friends and everyone teased her at school? Why is she scared of leaving so much as a speck of dirt on one of the counters...?"

"Sometimes we get into fights. I get angry and I say things I don't mean to. But I've never gotten angry over a dirty counter-top, and I never told her not to visit you. We both decided it was pointless for her to continue with her job since I was making enough for both of us and I encouraged her to get out and enjoy herself. It's her choice if she doesn't." We glared at each other for a few moments. "You don't believe me, do you?"

"Do I have any reason to believe you?"

"No." He sighed. "I've lied to you before. I told you I would hurt you if I stayed with you, so why wouldn't I hurt Bindi? And of course you would choose to believe her over me. But think about this, Aliyah. I left you so that you would be happy. I sacrificed my future with you so that you could have what you wanted. You know I never would have left if I wasn't sure I wouldn't cause you any pain by staying away. Why would I hurt your best friend? I know you tend to care about your friends, and that seems like a pretty solid way of hurting you. Take now. Are you enjoying this?"

"No," I said.

"No. I would never hurt Bindi. I would never hurt you."

"It doesn't make sense. You wouldn't spend your life with me because you didn't want to hurt me, and then you married Bindi. If you would have hurt me, you're going to hurt her."

"The difference is that I love you, and you loved me. We felt like the same person. That closeness would have hurt you. Bindi's safe from that."

"Bindi loves you."

"No. Believe me, Aliyah; she doesn't. It's just like you and Milo. We have a loveless but respectful marriage that benefits both of us."

"That's rich. How exactly does getting bullied and abused count as a benefit to her? You lied to her about your job, too. Did you hire actors to play the lawyers at your parties? Because that seems like a lot of trouble to go to."

He shook his head. "You won't believe anything I say, so what's the point in saying it? I'm fully updated on your opinion of me, thank you. I don't need to hear any more. Goodbye." He turned to leave and I grabbed him by the arm.

"No, you don't get to decide when to say goodbye this time."

He lifted an eyebrow. "And if you'd made the decision last time you would have chosen differently?"

My voice caught in my throat but I managed to get the word out. "Yes."

"See, I find that hard to believe. I convinced you. You let me leave. You could have begged me not to go. You could have held me there and cried and told me we would both die if we weren't together, and I would have stayed. God, Aliyah. I would have stayed. Despite what I'd decided, despite the fact that I knew it was wrong, I would have stayed if you'd only wanted it badly enough. But you didn't." He took his arm out of my grasp. "You can accuse me of whatever you want. Call the cops on me. Tell them what a bad man I am. Will that make you feel better? Do whatever you like. That's always what you've done."

"You love me? All this torture you're putting yourself through is for me? You kissed Bindi while I was away. You'd already decided to leave me then." I could feel my eyes starting to burn. This was wrong. I was supposed to be here for Bindi, not for myself. But it hurt too much not to let it out.

"Bindi kissed me. She came up to me at the party and told me how the rumors of my mother were flying around town, which made me happy as a clam, and then she told me how she'd always liked me and kissed me. She acted all embarrassed and I told her it was okay, that it didn't matter. I didn't see her again until after I'd left you."

"You didn't want me at your wedding!" I shouted. "I was willing to see you marry her, to be there for you and for her, but you didn't even care enough to let me." Several people were openly staring at us, but I barely noticed them.

"You would've liked to be there? My mistake, then. I just thought it would be easier if you didn't have to be there. I didn't want to hurt you. If I'd have known how much your little heart pitter-pattered for cheesy vows and stupid dresses then I would have had the wedding here. You would've been the maid of honor. Milo would have been my best man. We'd all have gone through the little hypocrisy of pretending to be happy together. Fun times we would have had. Sorry I made the wrong choice."

I faced away before he saw my tears, although he had to know I was crying.

"Goodbye, Aliyah." I heard his footsteps receding along the cobbled path.

I choked down my sobs, steadied myself, and turned back toward him, but he'd already gone.

I was so altered that Mrs. Young, an old neighbor, had to drive me home. As she led me across the park, clucking in concern, I could hear mutters from onlookers. I didn't know how much they'd heard or understood of what Cayden and I had shouted, but I knew I wouldn't like the rumors that came from this. Maybe I should have picked a less open spot to meet, but I could never have kept myself together--as much as I was able to--in a more enclosed space.

Mrs. Young insisted in accompanying me across the bridge to my front door. I was relieved she did, because I'm not sure I wouldn't have fallen into the water otherwise. Milo came to open the door.

"What happened?" he asked.

"She's just a little put out," said Mrs. Young. "She had an argument with the young Morey man."

"Come in," said Milo, stepping aside to let us through.

I hated him in that moment for not putting his arms around me and taking me inside himself. How hard would it have been? I wanted comfort from him, not from Mrs. Young. I couldn't even stand her usually. She'd made me go to her house when I was a girl and always pinched my cheeks and gave me gross candy and made me play with her boring grandchildren.

Mrs. Young sat me on the couch. "Will you be all right, dear?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Thank you, Mrs. Young," said Milo. "Do you want something to eat?"

"Oh, no, thank you. I'll let you look after your young lady there. Call me if you need anything, Aliyah, honey."

I glared at Milo when she'd gone. "Why did you offer her food?"

"Because it's the polite thing to do."

"Even Mrs. Young understands that some things are more important than politeness. If you'd invited her to lunch she never would have left. I just want to be alone now." I got up and headed for the stairs.

"You aren't going to tell me what happened?"

"Not if you don't ask," I snapped.

"I think I just did."

"You think? Urgh, Milo, I don't want to talk to you. Just leave me alone."

"Don't you want lunch?" he called up after me.

"No."

"I made malfatti."

I sighed. If there was one thing I couldn't say no to, not even in my present state, it was Milo's malfatti. I paused halfway up the stairs.

"You can tell me what happened," he said. "I want to know. Is Bindi okay?"

"Fine." I went back down the stairs and plopped down at the table. Milo brought out the malfatti, little balls made of flour and spinach and egg with a smell that would make the dead wake up hungry.

"So?" he said.

"I don't know what to think. Cayden denied everything. Do I believe him, or Bindi?"

"Did his explanations make sense?"

"I don't know." I wasn't really thinking about that. The first part of our conversation was just a tickle in the back of my mind. But I couldn't tell Milo what had really killed me about seeing Cayden. I knew he didn't love me, but it would just be cruel to tell him what I felt. To tell him he'd been my second choice.

Milo was going on about something, probably the whole issue with Bindi and Cayden. I barely listened. I couldn't help but feel like my life had become just a pile of ashes waiting to get swept up and thrown away. Nothing worth anything anymore except whatever version of existence I was currently trying to hold onto.

I gradually recovered my semblance of normality, but the nausea I'd felt that day persisted for several weeks. I found out soon enough why it was, and told Milo one Saturday morning as we lay in the recliners by the pool, relaxing after a week of work and school.

"I'm pregnant," I told him.

"Oh. Good," he said.

"Good?"

"Yeah. Do we have to pick out names now or is it too soon?"

"I'm about at eight weeks. I don't know when 'too soon' is. I guess it's not." I thought a moment. "How about Milo if it's a boy?"

"My father's name was Milo. I hate passing down names. It's very confusing to have two people called the same thing in one household. Besides, I don't like the name."

"It's a nice name."

"How about Kent? Or Karl?"

I wrinkled my nose. "Do you like Walter?"

"That sounds like an old man's name. Let's try girls' names."

I hesitated. "Mae?"

Milo slowly smiled, as though contemplating my suggestion and finding he liked it. "Mae. That's nice. I like that. Where did you get it?"

I picked at the hem of my jacket. "A movie. I can't remember the name, but there was this character that I really liked, and her name was Mae."

"Well, if it's a girl we've got it covered."

At that moment someone came running from the front of the house. As she approached I recognized Bindi, barefoot and wearing nothing but a frilly nightgown, despite the slight chill that we got in winter.

"He's gone, Aliyah!" said Bindi, coming up to us. She shook as if she were about to have a fit, her face almost expressionless in shock.



"What?" I said.

"Cayden! He's gone! He left! I woke up this morning and there was a note on the table. He said he'd left and he wasn't going to come back. And right after I finished reading the note some policemen came to my door asking where he was. Aliyah..."

Milo looked at me. I was frozen in my seat. He got up and helped her sit down.

"He had a job in computer security, didn't he?" asked Milo.

"No," said Bindi. "No. Not anymore. I called his boss to ask him if he'd seen him and he told me Cayden quit yesterday."

"You're shaking. Have you had any breakfast?" asked Milo. "Your blood sugar's got to be low after the shock, especially if you didn't eat. Do you feel like you're going to pass out?"

"I don't know," said Bindi with a shudder. She looked at me. "I'm pregnant. We were going to have a baby. I was going to tell Cayden yesterday but I fell asleep before he came home, and now..."

"It's okay, Bindi," I said automatically, my voice hollow.

"Oh, I..." Bindi sniffed and looked down. "I took a taxi here. I didn't bring money, though. I forgot."

"I'll pay him," said Milo, and headed off.

"Aliyah..." said Bindi.

"Don't worry," I said, like a robot.

"What if he's in trouble? What if he's running from the police? Why did he leave me, Aliyah?" Her shaking increased. "He's not going to see his child. He doesn't even know he has one. Why did he leave me?"

I didn't know what to say. Inside me was a stretch of blank paper, and all my pencils were broken and my pens dried up.

Milo came back. "Here, come into the house. You should lie down." He guided her across the lawn. I stared ahead until he came back. "Aliyah, are you all right?"

"Yes," I said.

He settled on the recliner again and sighed. "What are we going to do about Bindi? She needs help. This Cayden is definitely a piece of work."

I sat up and turned away from him. "Yes. Definitely a piece of work."



"Bindi's better off without her," said Milo.

"We all are," I whispered. I tried to feel the lightness I thought I should feel. No more complications. No more problems. No more guilt. I looked out across the hills we'd run over as children, to the sea beyond. It is better, I thought to myself.

And it was. I did see that, eventually. But things were beyond repair now, and the peace that came after that day could not have lasted for ever, nor did it.
I'm sorry I made you wait two whole days! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you for reading! I love your comments. They make me excited to continue writing.

[Katluvr]

Wow, another tear-jerker of a chapter!  You make everyone in the story come to life.  I don't think I've read another story on the forums here where I care so much what happens next.  Thank you for sharing this incredible story with us!

[alex51299]

My theory was right! I'm mad at Cayden, but in some ways I hope he doesn't come back.

[MoonsAreBlue]

Wow, another tear-jerker of a chapter!  You make everyone in the story come to life.  I don't think I've read another story on the forums here where I care so much what happens next.  Thank you for sharing this incredible story with us!

I couldn't have said it better! I really can't wait to see what happens next.

[Trentorio]

I just read this update standing at my computer desk because my chair was otherwise occupied. That is how excited I was when I saw the update! ARGH CAYDEN! I am sorry for the caps!

[loveSims]

This update was amazing, I don't have words to describe it! WOW!

[ApplesApplesApples]

Chapter 16

Bindi took some convincing, but she finally agreed to stay with us, at least until her baby had been born. She continuously had nervous breakdowns, even to the point of waking up screaming in the middle of the night. I gave her my old room and Milo and I moved into my parents', so that everyone would have a bit more privacy. The house seemed large enough for three people, but when Bindi ran down the stairs and hammered at our door at three in the morning, begging me to come help her because she was sure the baby was coming, the house became much smaller.

"You're the one who wanted to let her stay here," Milo would say when we both jerked awake.

"No, you did," I would say.

"She's your friend."

And I would go and comfort her, because Milo was lousy at comforting people anyway. I would sit Bindi down in the living room and fix her a cup of warm milk and sit next to her, reminding her that she was just two months, three months, four months into her pregnancy and she shouldn't worry about the baby coming yet.

"But I'm having contractions!" Bindi would wail.

"Just breathe deeply and think of something else. You're just imagining them," I would say as I struggled to keep my eyes open.

The first time she'd done it we'd both gotten scared out of our minds and called Dr. Hugh, who despite--or perhaps because of--his advanced age still did house calls. None of the younger doctors in town did them. So poor old Dr. Hugh had tottered over to our house at five thirty in the morning, examined Bindi, and declared that she was not having contractions, but that if she continued to work herself up like this she would have a premature birth, which wouldn't be good for the baby. Of course this didn't comfort Bindi at all, and it made sleeping through the night a luxury that we only got once in a while.

"This is what it's going to be like when the baby is born," said Milo one morning over breakfast, when Bindi was still asleep. "We're just training for it."

"I hope you're not as lousy helping with the baby in the middle of the night as you are with Bindi," I said. "You're training yourself on how to dump it all on me and keep sleeping."

He volunteered to help Bindi that night. I decided to let him try. I'd just drifted off to sleep when he came back in.

"Aliyah, you've got to help. I don't know what to do."

After that, I just let him sleep.

Bindi and I found out the sex of our babies around the same time. As soon as the doctor told her she was going to have a girl she freaked out, crying in the middle of the waiting room where all the other women were gathered, saying she would be a horrible mother.

I grabbed her by the shoulders and took her outside, mouthing "I'm sorry" to the mother whose baby had woken up with Bindi's cries. "Bindi, you're going to be a wonderful mother. Don't think like that."

"How can I be? I don't even know what a mother's supposed to be like! My mother was never around." She blew her nose into one of the large set of handkerchiefs Milo had bought her a few weeks ago, after she'd gone through all our boxes of tissues in record time.

"You're not like your mother. You're going to be with her, and she's going to love you, just like you love your grandfather. He was like a parent to you. Be like him."

"But my grandfather's strong, and I'm not," said Bindi into the handkerchief. "He could weather anything. I'm completely useless!" She broke into tears again.

I got her into the car because people were staring. Bindi and I had become objects of scandal in our town. I'd even heard rumors going around that Cayden was the father of both our babies, probably a side-effect of our overheard fight in the park. I'd been in the grocery store when I heard two gossipy old women whispering it in the next isle over, and I'd gone over to them and shouted several things at them, which I don't think helped my case much, but I felt better after I did it. I was grateful that Milo paid no attention to this gossip, if he heard it at all. He had such thick skin that they could have said it to his face and he would just shrug it off. He never doubted me.

"People teased me about my name all my life," said Bindi now as I closed the door to my side of the car. "My mom told me she came up with it by putting random sounds together, and at first when people asked me where my name came from I told them that, until I realized it made them laugh at me. They said my mother named me when she was drunk."

"Bindi, don't think about your mother, okay? You have the chance to be an amazing mother to your little girl. Your mother has nothing to do with this. You're you, not her."

"But how do I know I'm not her? What if I'm horrible and I don't realize it?"

"I'll tell you if you're being horrible, don't worry. But I don't think you will. You know why?"

She blew her nose again. "Because you're my friend?"

"Because you're an amazing woman. You're strong, even if you don't realize it. You're the sweetest, nicest person I know. Your daughter is going to love you."

Bindi gave a small smile. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure." I tried to sound convinced, and judging by Bindi's expression I think I did, but deep down I wasn't sure. I didn't know how strong Bindi could be. If Milo and I hadn't been with her these past few months, she wouldn't have made it. Everyone needed a hand up now and then, but Bindi... it was a titanic effort to keep her together. I had hope that it would get better, but I couldn't count on it.

Milo suggested professional help several times. The first time I got angry because I though he wanted to unload Bindi on someone else, that he was tired of taking care of her himself.

"I'm just not sure what we can do for her, Aliyah," he said. "We don't know if what we're doing is helping her or just putting off the moment when she has a complete breakdown."

"Bindi's going to be fine," I said. "She just needs a little time."

That had been months ago, before I'd known that all that awaited us in the future was more of the same without a single indication that Bindi was getting better. Now I'd given Bindi time, support, comfort; everything I could think to give her and nothing had helped, I was starting to think Milo was right.

Then the letter arrived.

I got home from school one day and found Bindi sitting at the dining room table, an unopened letter in her hands, staring out the window.

"Hi," I said. "Whatcha got there?"

"It's a letter from Cayden."

I stood there for a moment, looking at the rectangle in Bindi's hands. "Is this the first one you've gotten?"

Bindi nodded.

I carefully lowered myself into a chair. After bumping my big belly on everything in the house I'd become more cautious. Carting around twenty extra pounds had made me clumsier, and I'd had to compensate.

"Where did he send it from?"

"It doesn't have a return address."

I waited for a moment. "Aren't you going to open it?"

She handed it to me. "You do it. I can't."

I tore open the top of the envelope and pulled out one folded piece of paper and a separately folded thicker stack. I handed Bindi the first sheet but when she didn't take it I unfolded it and read it out loud.

"Dear Bindi. I apologize for the months of silence, but they couldn't be helped. I know you hate me for leaving, but you would have hated me for staying, too." I took a moment to steady myself before continuing. "I know I caused you pain and I'm sorry. You shouldn't be tied to me any longer. I've included divorce papers in the envelope; please sign them and forget me. Find another man. Be happy. Signed Cayden." I folded the letter again. For a moment I couldn't speak. Then I unfolded the stack of papers and looked them over before handing them to Bindi.

"He thought I didn't love him," said Bindi, still staring out the window. "But I always did. I think I loved him since the day he protected me from the kids in the playground."

"I'm sure he knew," I said. I remembered, of course. "Bindi loves you." "No. Believe me, Aliyah; she doesn't." But was the point in telling Bindi that? It wasn't as if Cayden would be coming back to disprove me.

Bindi looked down at the divorce papers. "Should I sign them?"

"I'll call my lawyer over. She'll help you decide. You can't just sign; you never know what the conditions are."

We waited in silence for almost an hour. Bindi's eyes ran over Cayden's short letter over and over again. I stared at the address written in Cayden's hand on the envelope. He'd sent it to his and Bindi's house, but the mailman knew Bindi lived here now and brought all her mail over to our house. I could almost imagine Cayden's hand holding the pen that wrote those words. I remembered when I'd gotten a thorn in my palm and he'd gently worked it out with his fingers. How could I hate him and at the same time miss him so much?

When the lawyer finally arrived I showed her to the dining room, where she scanned the pages meticulously, making a few comments we didn't understand. Then she laid it on the table in front of her and looked at Bindi.

"This is very clear and open. I don't think there's one bad thing you could get out of signing this except for the actual divorce. I'm not specialized in divorces, but when someone tries to slip in a few sneaky clauses it's always evident. Basically what would happen is that your two joint bank accounts would be in your name. He would send you a monthly fifty percent of his income. The house you both had would be yours. All of your joint investments would go to you. It's a very generous offer. There's nothing about child support, however."

"He doesn't know about the baby," I said when it became clear Bindi couldn't answer.

"If you inform him maybe you can work something out."

"No," said Bindi in a small voice. "This is fine."

"Frankly, you're not likely to get a much better deal than this."

"So I just sign?" said Bindi.

"You sign and I take care of the rest."

"I'll bring a pen," I said.

My beautiful daughter Mae was born at the end of summer, just two weeks before Bindi's daughter. Mae, Milo, and I went to visit Bindi and little Tita in the hospital.

"So you finally decided on a name," I said, sitting on the bed next to her.

"It's not very common, but I think it's pretty," said Bindi.

"It's beautiful. Can we see her?"

Bindi pushed back the edges of the blanket that hid the sleeping baby's face. I swallowed, hard. I hadn't expected how much she would resemble Cayden. Mae didn't look like either one of us yet.

"She's got your chin," said Milo. I'd never even seen him with a baby before Mae, but now he was all over them. He leaned over and touched the fuzz on the top of her head. Tita opened her eyes. "I'm sorry," whispered Milo.

"It's okay," said Bindi. She looked down at her baby. "Hi," she said, her voice and expression overflowing with happiness and tenderness.

That's when I first knew something was wrong. I'd loved Mae since the first moment I saw her, but I'd never felt the way Bindi looked. I glanced down at Mae, who drifted in that moment somewhere between sleep and wakefulness. Why didn't my heart swell with emotion? Why did I only feel pleased when I held her? Where was the all-encompassing mother/baby relationship I'd heard so much about? At first I'd wondered if it just took time. But it hadn't taken Bindi and Tita any time at all to form it.

What was wrong with me?

After Tita was born things changed around the house. Bindi's hysterics decreased in frequency to the point where we barely had to deal with them anymore. Tita was a quiet, sweet baby; Mae a little more raucous, but neither of them caused us any real trouble. The funny thing was that they developed a sort of twin language, despite the fact that they had no blood relation whatsoever. They could communicate with each other long before they could communicate with the rest of us. The two little girls were like sisters.



Of course I'd expected something of the kind, since they grew up together, but the level of devotion they felt toward each other I hadn't anticipated. Mae would cry when Tita was absent for too long, and Tita would get grumpy. Mae's first smile was for Tita. Tita's first smile was for Bindi. I felt as though I didn't figure into it at all.

I finished school as well as I could with Milo and Bindi's help, and started working as a librarian while I took my first flight lessons at an airport about an hour away. It seemed as though I was almost never home. Bindi worked three hours a day in the mornings, and after that spent all her time with the girls. Milo worked from home, so he could be with Mae whenever he wanted. One day I went up to the nursery to find Mae showing Milo a little toy boat.

"Boat, daddy!" she said.

Milo looked up at me. "Hi, Aliyah. Did you hear that?" His grin seemed too big for his face. "He called me daddy."

"I heard," I said.

Milo hoisted Mae up and blew a raspberry on her tummy. She giggled and swatted his glasses. I watched them, realizing that something had happened. Mae had formed a connection with her father so different from the fragile one she had with me that I felt as though she'd become someone else's daughter entirely. I would never be able to have what Milo and Mae had. Mae hardly even missed me when I was away. And she'd never said "mommy" before. In fact, the first time she got around to calling me anything, it was "Lee-lee." A name for an aunt or a sister. Not a name for a mother.

"I feel like she doesn't love me," I said to Bindi one night after Mae and Tita were asleep and Milo had gone to work at his computer.

"That's not true," said Bindi. "Of course she loves you. You're her mother."

"I don't feel like her mother. I hardly know her. I've tried, but I just don't have it. I don't even know what it is."

"Maybe you should get to know her. Why don't you take her out somewhere fun tomorrow? Take a day off. Nothing's more important than your daughter."

I tried. The next day I got her up, gave her breakfast, and suggested we go to the playground.

"Daddy take me," she said.



"Why don't I take you? Daddy needs to work today."

She pouted. "Daddy say he take me. I want daddy take me!"

"We'll have fun," I said. "Daddy can take you tomorrow. Don't you want to go with me today?"

She shook her head. "Daddy take me! He take me big slide!"

"I'll take you on the big slide. Daddy's too busy to do it today."

She considered this for a moment. I could tell she didn't like the idea, but she finally relented. I took her in the car to the playground, but she kept talking about "the other playground," the one Milo had taken her to, so we drove around for a while looking for it. Mae started to cry and kick the back of the seat.

"Want daddy! Want daddy!"

"Don't you want to go to the big playground?"

"Other one! Big slide!"

"That one has a big slide."

"No! No!" she screamed.

Finally I had to take her back. As soon as I let her out of the car seat she ran inside the house. I followed and found her in Milo's arms, telling him about how Lee-lee couldn't find the big slide.

"I couldn't find the playground she wanted," I said.

"Oh, she's probably talking about the one over by the supermarket. That's the one we've gone to the most."

"I didn't even know there was a playground there."

"Yeah, they built it about five years ago. Well, I'm done for the day. Do you want me to take you, Mae?"

"Yes!" she said, beaming.

"See you later," said Milo.

"Yeah," I said. "See you later." I watched them go to the car and drive off. I thought I would never be so sad as I was at that moment. Of course I didn't know then that a few months later I'd see them drive off in much the same manner, only that time they wouldn't come back.
Thank you for reading. I apologize if there are any mistakes, but I've got a bad cold and can barely think straight. Thanks so much for your comments and support!

[Trentorio]

I hope you get to feeling well and taking care of yourself before you sate all of our needs to read your wonderful story!  Excellent chapter.

[MoonsAreBlue]

I hope you get to feeling better! This was another excellent chapter. I just feel so sad for Aliyah.