Note: Those of you who read Escaping from Shakespeare will notice much similarity with that; I was able to re-use most of the writing and some of the pictures. This time around Gavin doesn't have a Margaret Vaguester (boo hoo), and Ophelia isn't blue.
ESCAPING FROM TRAGEDY – AN IMMORTAL DYNASTY
Part the First – Cressida
You probably know me as the heartless seductress from
Troilus and Cressida. What’s that? You’ve never heard of me? Hmph. I don’t know what they’re teaching young people these days. To make a long story short, I had a romance with Troilus in Troy, was transferred to the Greeks in a hostage exchange (my father had predicted a Greek victory and had to leave Troy precipitately), and got involved with a Greek soldier, which distressed Troilus so much that he ended up dying in battle. I made my first appearance in a medieval poem based on the
Iliad; then Chaucer wrote about me, followed by the Bard himself.
Anyway, there’s a bunch of us immortals who are tired of being famous villains or victims, and we’ve been reading these stories with some interest. When we found out that we could have dogs and cats and horses, in addition to hot tubs and treehouses – well, nothing could stop us. We drew lots to see who would go first, which is why I’m your narrator instead of Lady Macbeth (who’s really quite nice once you get to know her).
I arrived in Appaloosa Plains on a pretty Sunday morning. Oh, you want to know why my skin is blue? Honey, that happens when you’ve been around for six or seven hundred years. I could tell you stories that would make your skin and hair turn blue, too, but this is a family-friendly forum, so I won’t.
As soon as I’d purchased a suitable property, I went into town and found a job as a cook. My next stop was the library, to learn something about cooking. If you’re wondering why someone who’s 600 years old can’t cook, it’s because I always had servants. To be honest, the only skill I have is embroidery. And, well, seduction.
Let me tell you, there’s no place like a library for romance. All that whispering makes even the most mundane conversation intimate, plus you have to get really close to each other. Within no time, Gavin and I had agreed to get married. I had the strangest feeling of déjà vu.
And then we decided, why wait? In case you’re thinking I married him for his money, you’re partly right. Our Immortal Pension Fund has suffered severe budget cuts, and the sesterce – simoleon exchange rate is not at all favorable. To be honest, if I hadn’t met Gavin, I would have been spending the night at the fire station. But the more important reason is that I saw someone who needed me. As soon as I showed a willingness to listen (more seductive than flirtiness and great kissing any day), Gavin started pouring out his life story: how he’d been a successful plastic surgeon; how a famous TV star had wanted a tiny adjustment to her nose and it had gone bad; how he’d been fired and moved to Appaloosa Plains to get away from the hatemail; how the actress had also retreated to Appaloosa Plains and was actually living next door to him; how she kept sending her cat to kill the birds in his yard.
“Gavin, sugar,” I said. “You need to move in with me.”
He was a trifle taken aback when he saw that by “in” I actually meant “on,” as there was only a flat lawn.
“I don’t see your house,” he said tactfully.
Luckily, with the money he brought, we were able to build a tiny little lovenest.
As soon as the furniture was moved in, we put the “love” in lovenest. And the next morning, we discovered that baby would make three.
Knowing that Gavin is a doctor has certainly given me a feeling of confidence.
You’d think that after 600 years, they’d have found a cure for this.
Chapter Two
The last day of my pregnancy passed in a blur. I did go to the consignment store to look for a camera (more about that later), but otherwise didn’t accomplish much. Gavin picked up a book on pregnancy. To my surprise, one of its recommendations for having an easy delivery was pillow-fighting.
When Gavin came home from work, he gave me a lovely massage.
Immediately after that, the labor pains started. I had expected Gavin to be more helpful, but I guess expectant fathers are all the same.
Our new baby is Ophelia! They all drew lots again, and she won. This concerns me a little because I was hoping the second Immortal would take up fishing. We’ll just have to keep Ophelia happy enough that she doesn’t have any morbid thoughts when she gets near water. Gavin, of course, thinks she’s just an ordinary baby, if any baby is ordinary.
I got my first Opportunity today. The diner was throwing a cooking contest, so I entered. I didn’t win, but I came in second, which is pretty good for someone who never boiled water before.
Meanwhile I’m running into a small problem with Gavin. He can’t stand art. I keep haunting the consignment shop, hoping to find a camera for him. Right now, he’s painting, but he isn’t happy about it.
