"Lily please, you need to go to bed." I told my stubborn toddler.
"NO!"
"I'm so glad you're learning to talk!"
Learning that I was pregnant was definitely a game changer. I was tired and hungry and emotional ninety percent of the time. Adding a toddler who keeps me on my toes makes things even more interesting.
"Lily, it is bed time."
"WEEEE."
My toddler has been up since 4 AM this morning, hasn't had a nap, and is now refusing to go to bed at 9 PM. I think one of the hardest parts about Johnny being gone is bedtime, he had this bedtime routine and no matter how hard I tried she wouldn't go to sleep for me. I felt like my world was upside down most of the time. Johnny was gone, Lily didn't understand that he was gone, and I was pregnant with Johnny's baby. He wanted more kids and we had talked about it but decided to wait until Lily was a little older, maybe when she started school.
"A baby? A baby Johnny?" I laughed.
"Yeah! Think about it, wouldn't you love to have kids close in age?!"
"Babe, we've got our hands tied with Lily!"
"Think about it Brina, they would grow up to be best friends!"
Just him calling me Brina, the nickname he had for me, could always make me smile.
"Look, I'm not saying no, but I would like it if we waited a little longer okay?"
"That's all I'm asking."
He smiled and leaned in and kissed me gently.
"I love you." He whispered.
"I love you too, so much."After about another hour of fighting it Lily finally gave up her fight and decided that bed time was a good idea after all.
"There we go." I said laying her in bed.
"Dada."
"Baby, we talked about this remember?"
"I want dada!" She said.
"Dada isn't here anymore baby."
"Better place?"
"Yes, dada is in a better place." I said brushing the hair out of her face.
I turned off the lights and closed the door. Yes, I was that parent that told their kids that the person who died went to a "better place". I didn't know what else to say because honestly I didn't know if I believed in heaven. I believe in not pushing beliefs on children and let them decide for themselves in what they want to believe in. I walked to my room, my big and empty bedroom where I would sleep alone again. That was another part I had a hard time adjusting too, sleeping alone.
...
"Yes mom, I'm doing okay."
I checked in on Lily who was playing with her doll house.
"Of course mom, Lily is fine as well. Mom we are fine. No, no mom. I do not need you to come up for a week."
I closed the fridge as I tried to make lunch one handed.
"Mom, mom! Mom. Listen to me, I'm doing fine!"
I looked up at the ceiling and rolled my eyes as my mother worried about me being alone with Lily for the millionth time.
"Mom, put dad on the phone. Put him on the phone. Mom, I love you please put dad on the phone."
She grumbled about me never listening to her as she handed the phone to dad.
"She's over-reacting again dad."
He agreed.
"I'll admit that it is harder with Johnny being gone, it always will be. But how am I suppose to heal and start to move forward with things with mom reminding me every second that I'm alone?"
I cut the ham and cheese sandwiches into small pieces for Lily.
"I know she is just trying to help dad, but I need to.. I need to be strong for Lily and this baby. I need to figure out how life without Johnny works and I need to do it on my own and in my own time."
He said that he'd talk to her, his go to line.
"I appreciate everything you guys do dad, I do, and I will let you know if and when I need help but right now I am perfectly fine."
We finished the conversation and I served Lily lunch. I put a hand on my growing stomach, it was huge and I was only in my second trimester.
"A boy."
"What?"
"I want a boy." Johnny said.
"I can't control what we have hon." I giggled as I flipped through my magazine.
We were lounging on the couch since Lily was sleeping already and we didn't want to wake her up.
"I know, but I'm just saying that a boy would be awesome."
I smiled at him.
"We would go to football games, I'd teach him to fish and how to hunt, he'd grow up to be the quarterback for the football team. He's be a chick magnet."
"A chick magnet?"
"Yeah! With all my stunning looks and charm."
I rolled my eyes.
"You roll your eyes but my stunning looks and charm is what won you over."
"What if it's a girl?"
"Well.. Um, I'd go to all her ballet dances, and her, um... I would protect her from all those nasty stunningly handsome boys."
I laughed and patted his leg, "Whatever you say babe."...
"Please." I said.
"Peas."
I laughed.
"No, please."
"Peeves?"
"Please." I said sounding it out better.
"Pwease."
"Close."
I watched as her little face tried to process what I was trying to get her to say.
"Please." I repeated.
"Please." She muttered.
"Yes! Yes! Baby!" I cheered.
At least potty training was getting easier and easier. She was close to being able to go on her own and so close to ditching the diapers. I couldn't get too excited though because I would be right back to diapers pretty quickly.
But the happiness in a toddler couldn't last forever now could it.
"Oh someone is tired!" I said picking her up.
"No tired!"
"Yes, you are tired. I think bath time and then bed time."
"Bath time!"
"Yeah, let's go take a bath."
I sat on her bed.
"The tale of the Sleepy Dinosaur." I started.
"Baby book!" She said pointing to my stomach.
"Yes, I'm reading the baby a book too."
"Good."
I smiled. She insisted that I read the new baby the books too at night. It took her a while to understand that there was a baby in mommy's stomach but she seemed excited about a brother or sister.
"...and then! Then the sleepy, sleepy dinosaur stumbled upon a king! The greatest king of all time!"
I got half way through the book before Lily dozed off.
...
"Lily! Be careful!"
Today was one of my days where I had zero energy. But, there was a reason. I put together the nursery today but I was waiting for the baby to put the final touches to it with colors.
Everything was going to be okay, that is what I told myself every morning and every night. But for now, I had a date with my daughter and her dollhouse.
I wonder if the baby will be a boy or a girl? Hmmmm
