Divine Deception"Mercy"For those who believe that life ends when one's death is met, resurrection is more of a fairytale than a reality. Death is consequential, a tally of all the good things and how much bad was delivered while on the earth's ground. But for the few who believe otherwise, death is not an ending, but rather a new beginning. I never believed in anything after life. I thought it would just end in an emptiness of repetitive motions, cycling through until the end of time. But it wasn't until today that I realized I had been dead for a very long time and those motions had been cycling for years now in what I once believed was me living life. I spent many days in the fiery depths of hell and would never have thought that to stop fighting would bring me to the light. Today the dead shall live. Today, I am alive. Today I rose from the dead.
The moist ground cools the bottom of my legs while the sun, high above, feels like it could burn my skin in seconds. It is easily one of the hottest days Riverview has seen in years. I disregard it and place my hand on the surface of the gravestone in front of me, my fingers tracing the name engraved in its front. Sadie Lawrence.
"I'm sorry it took me so long," I whisper.
Footprints have flattened the ground nearby. Flowers rest on both the top of the stone as well as the surface in front of it. A dozen tulips are from me, wrapped in white lace. But there are more than a couple roses here and there as if somebody has come by daily to drop them off. I can think of nobody other than Vic. I hope I am right.
I look back up at the stone again. "I always did have trouble facing what stands in front of me—come to terms with the truth some could say... For more than a year I thought I had found my way, that I had clear goals and everything made sense, but no. The truth is, I think I was more lost than ever.
"I thought if I could just keep pushing, everything would balance out. Instead I pushed everybody away. I couldn't blame them—nobody understood what I was feeling. But you did. And I hope more than anything that I did you proud."
The shuffling of grass behind me perks my ears and I spot a long, stretchy shadow slither into view. I look behind me and see Connie. She puts her hand on my shoulder, gives it a reassuring squeeze and then says, "It's time to go." She says it so softly, like if she speaks too loudly that she may wake the dead.
I pat her hand back and nod. Kissing my fingers, I then press them against the stone. "I love you," I say. I press harder for a few seconds and then release. Connie doesn't push. She just waits for me to be ready and then I am on my feet and following her back to the car.
The rest of the morning flies by in a flash. I am wanted here, there and everywhere. Makeup, hair, here get into your dress! I have great people around me, friends, true friends, men and women I can count on. When we are ready, we leave the house and head to our destination.
Before I can even think about opening my door, Whitman is right there, hands gloved in white, opening it for me. He's wearing a frilly suit I expect to be stuffed in an antique mall.
I meet his gaze. The day I went out for Paragon, I had left him with Jackie. Poor guy had been gagged and tied up the moment I drove off. For a split moment during my confrontation with Jackie, I thought maybe Whitman had been working with them. But when I returned to the house and found him completely bundled together with ropes and handcuffs, I knew better than to assume certain things, especially when he had fought to get across the room and use only his tongue and nose to log in to Paragon's servers and delete everything. Everything Jackie had threatened me with was gone in a snap of the fingers.
I get out of the car and he leads me to the cruise ship. Through the portholes, I can see countless guests. Something snaps to my side. I quickly look down and see William.
"Mommy, you look beautiful!"
I crouch down to his level. "And don't you look handsome." His collar is sticking up and I fold it down for him.
"I'm the ring baron! See?" He lifts the poofy, silk pillow in his hands up to my face.
"The ring
baron, huh?" I ask and he just laughs.
"We're just about ready," Connie says. She is directly in front of us now and waves at the pianist and everything begins. I give William a kiss on the cheek and he wipes it like I have just slobbered all over him.
"
Mom!"
I can't suppress a giggle. Connie whispers where he needs to go into Willaim's ear and then gives him a nice nudge through the doors. Through the porthole I watch my son strut down the aisle like he's done this a million times before. When he makes it to the end, Connie already has her bouquet and starts down it as well.
My gaze wanders up the aisle, across the decorations. They are simple yet elegant. Compared to the overabundance of the decor at my wedding with Matt, this is perfect. There are no flashy lights or streamers going every which way.
Matthew...
With everything that has gone on, I hope most of all he can move on from this. I can only assume he's at home, trying my other phone, trying to get Samantha Millens to pick up. He's probably worried sick, thinking the worst. That is after wondering what happened to his father. Who knows if he managed to make it out of the Grind before all hell broke loose. If there is one thing I can rely on, it's that Eadie will be there to tarnish Samantha Millen's name and make her son feel better by forgetting that girl next door. I never would have imagined I would feel comfort from that woman, yet here I am.
Whitman squeezes my hand and pulls me back out of my thoughts.
"Are you ready to do this?" he asks, his other hand on the door, ready to lead me out.
I have to smile. Am I ready for this? I've never been ready for anything more in my whole life. I've been waiting ages to be in this very spot.
Whitman pushes open the doors to lead me through and I see Nathan for the first time today. I think my heart skips a beat, it even flutters and as cheesy as it sounds, I can't describe it any other way. Excitement, happiness, safety. I don't know what it is, I just know that I like it. Honestly, I never thought I would ever see him again after that horrible night when we last spoke.
For how short the aisle way is, it feels like the lengths of multiple dump trucks and I don't want to walk anymore, I actually want to run. But as I do, Whitman's grip on my hand holds me back, squeezing to slow me down. It feels like forever when I am finally standing in front of Nathan.
"Hi," he says to me, beaming. There are tears in his eyes.
"Hi," I say back with a giggle. There are tears in my eyes too.
The service begins and I am going through the motions. For once it doesn't feel difficult. As destroyers we are taught to go with the flow when things begin to fall off the rails. But nothing is falling now and nothing is hinting at the possibility that imminent doom is just beyond the horizon. And for once it feels good. I remember what my mother wrote down in her file on Paragon's server. What she said about her wedding day with my father. That it was a commitment to each other, but one that wouldn't lead to an ending full of happily ever afters. That instead it would lead to a battlefield. How was it she put it?
"One that I must fully commit to my enemies on until death do us part."I don't feel that at all. And when I am asked, "Do you take Nathan to be your lawfully wedded husband?" I don't hesitate for a moment. My mother was uncertain about her marriage to my father like I was with Matt. But here, with Nathan just an arm's length away, there is nothing in me that wants to say anything other than, "I do!"
"Then I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride."
I almost jump into his arms, grabbing his head, kissing him. I peek through my closed eyes. The men and women around us begin to clap. Some hoot and holler. Some toss confetti and others ball their eyes out. Yet, in the back, through the many people, somebody else grabs my attention. I can't tell if it is who I think it is or if my eyes are playing tricks on me because in an instant, in the time it takes me to blink, the visitors are all up on their feet and that woman is lost in the crowd.
Nathan pulls my attention back on him as he turns and looks at the crowd. Bubbles are blown into the air, the pianist begins his melody again and we are ushered down the aisle. This time while I am allowed to move at a faster pace, I don't want to. I try to slow a bit, try to get a better look at where the woman had been previously, but I am just pulled more forward, pressed to go, go, go! Nathan and I are out the doors at the end, led up a set of stairs and to the deck above.
The day continues at an alarming rate. We need to cut the cake, it's the first dance as husband and wife, speech, speech, speech! Oh and of course, tink, tink, tink on the wine glasses to get us to kiss, kiss, kiss! I can't remember the night I was married to Matt very well, but for some reason I don't think it was as pushy as it is here. Maybe I was worried too much about getting from point A to point B to really take anything in. Whereas here I am taking in everything because I have nothing to keep my mind off of it. And even if I wanted to get from point A to point B here, I can't. The ship has left the dock and unless I want to take a long swim back to shore...
When it is time to throw the bouquet, it is suggested that we do it downstairs. Nobody wants to have it accidentally get chucked over the edge of the boat and we all know many of the women here will actually take a leap for the precious bundle of flowers.
As everybody makes their way back to where the ceremony was held, I catch sight of a woman at a table in the far corner of the deck. Connie tries to lead me back to stairs, but I tell her to go on ahead without me.
"I just need some fresh air," I say and when she asks if I am sure, I add, "Yes, I'll be there in a minute, promise."
"Okay, but don't wait too long. That bouquet is mine!"
I laugh and watch her take the stairs and it is only me and the other woman. I walk over to her.
"I thought I saw you earlier," I say and take a seat next to her.
My mother stares out into the open waters, eyes sparkling with tears. "Delilah..." she says and I can hear the struggle in her voice as if her throat is closing up on her. "I'm so sorry."
My eyes narrow. "For what?"
"Your father... I took him away from you."
"Mom..."
"You have to believe me when I say I never wanted to go through with it. When Peters... after you were born... I didn't think there was any other way."
I lean forward—she's still looking out into the distance at the horizon or maybe, probably something even more far away—and clasp her hands in mine. "I don't doubt it for a second. I never knew who he was and maybe I never wanted to know him. I guess the hardest part was coming to terms with that."
"That?" she asks me and finally she is looking at me in the eyes.
"Years ago I thought maybe he was hiding out, trying to keep away from me, that maybe he would show up somewhere so that I could understand him, maybe even understand myself." I shrug my shoulders. "But now I know that was never the case."
My mother recoils a bit. "Can you ever forgive me for not being a good mother?" Even as she asks it, she tries to pull her hands away. I don't let her.
"There is nothing to forgive, Mom. I know how much I put you through. I blamed you for so much and as much as I used to want to keep blaming you for not being there for me, you've always been there for me. You saved me more times than I can count. From the day you chose me over Paragon when I was a baby to the other night when you tried to choose me over Paragon again—you saved my life and I owe you everything. I'm just sorry you had to carry everything all by yourself for all these years."
My mother breaks down sobbing and I hurry to her side, my arms around her. I am crying too.
It takes almost ten minutes to regain both of ourselves. We wipe each other's tears and hug.
"You have no idea how proud I am of you," my mother says, getting to her feet. She kisses me and tells me she loves me. Every time I think I have recomposed myself, I break down again, which then leads her to break down too.
"Honey?" somebody says behind me. I turn around, wiping my face even if it is no use. Makeup running, face red. Just coming up the stairs is Nathan alone. I don't know if he—or anybody for that matter—can see my mother, but I am about to say thank you to her and as I turn, she's no longer there. I stand still as anything, my eyes scanning the deck back and forth until I realize that it's over.
"Connie's getting impatient down there," Nathan says as he closes the space between us. "Who knows what that girl's gonna' do for a bouquet—is something wrong?"
I'm standing at the railing, looking at that same spot my mother was just minutes ago, out past the horizon, past the clouds, back at the past. I feel Nathan slip his arms around me.
"Deli?"
I was told when I opened a book for the first time, I would be given three sections of importance: a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginning was to do its part to transform my imagination to reality. It would introduce the people I would be tethered to throughout the journey, paved out to an ending of happily ever after. For a long time I didn't believe that this story could be like that. That a happily ever after could never work. Lust, heartache and destruction were but simple stepping stones to get me to an end goal.
I should consider myself lucky. Life rarely gives second chances to people like myself. Deeply etched wounds come with the path of a destroyer and while I expected to die with Jackie alone and unloved, somebody saved me from myself. Somehow I managed to win life back, convinced it to spare me as well as the people I forcefully pushed away.
I lean back into Nathan's arms and nuzzle against his neck. Did he really ask me if something was wrong?
"Absolutely nothing."