My name is Jynx Ghastly, and I have a sick sense of humor.
That's why I'm here. In the desert, I mean. Dry, sandy suburbia. My mother is horrified. She says, "Jynx! You are the last person anyone would ever make a matriarch. It's a joke."
It is a joke! A hilarious one. I love jokes. Here's another one. I just evicted and bulldozed the Landgraab mansion. Heh!
Home.
Maybe related? The Landgraabs are always angry by default now. I can't say why, I gave them a perfectly nice consolation home.
Anyway I've always been excellent at drawing a crowd. I stopped at the library first. I'll need a cook, a gardener, a fisherman, and a spouse. In that order. None of these schlubs would do.
I tried the park next. Great food smells were coming near the grills, so I made my way there first. Hello, handsome.
"Hiya," I scooted in. "I've been racking my brains trying to come up with dinner, and here you are eating a rack of brains! Ha!"
"..."
"Okay ... um, hi. I'm Jynx. I'm going to be immortal."
"..."
"So ... that outfit is ... wow. You a grocer or something?"
"Gardener."
"Oh. If you didn't look so folksy, I'd swear you were evil. The silent treatment usually means evil."
"..."
"Wait.
Are you evil?"
"..."
"An evil gardener! That is so cute!"
"It's not cute."
"It so is. Want to come live with me?"
"What? I barely know yo--"
"Just a sec, evil gardener. Hellooo there."
Well, I guess then he decided he
would live with me after all. And he took Sexy Muttonchops away with him. You win some you lose some.
Then, out of nowhere, this sultry-eyed woman saunters up to me and declares, "I see you looking at my boyfriend!"
"What? The evil gardener? He said he was single!"
"There's an evil gardener? That's so cute! But no. The other one."
"Sexy muttonchops! Good for you! Let's be friends."
"I don't have friends. I'm mean spirited."
"Ha! I can take it. Come on, move into my house and I'll get you a better wardrobe and lots of money and stuff. You gotta move Muttonchops in too, though. I need workers."
*4 hours later*
"No, it looks good. Just don't bend over ever."
Sultry-eyes is named Kinley. She told me Muttonchops' name, but I forgot because I don't care. She's going to move him in tomorrow. The evil gardener is Alberto. I thought his name was Alfonso for a really long time so I call him Alfie now and he's cool with it. He got new clothes too.
I woke up the next day to Kinley already doing her thing. I made a good decision.
"Yeah but, did you tell her about ..."
"Are you serious? We've talked about this!"
"It's my only condition, Kins. Come on."
"No. Absolutely not."
"Come on, Kins ... come on, sweetheart."
"... Okay! But if I get in trouble for this."
"You won't! You won't, darling."
Meanwhile, my evil gardener was outside getting us started. Eventually we'll pretty up the garden space, but for now he just needs to get one established. He's already level 10!
"Jynx! There's a man in the garden."
"Who is it?"
"I dunno, he says he lives here."
"Kinley ..."
"Oh, so. That's Jed. He's my boyfriend's brother."
"His brother?"
"Yeah. Jed. He's a little different."
"Okay ... what can he do for us?"
"Nothing! He's a useless weirdo! I tried to talk him out of it! I tried! I can't talk any sense into that man. He's all whisker grooming and video game design. It's the most infuriating ... the most maddening ..."
"Well, hey. Worst case scenario, we can lock him in the basement and use him as a painting troll."
"BUT PAINTING IS MY THING!"
So, okay. Okay! Let's get Kinley an easel.
Jed was a problem for another day. I needed to get everyone situated and ready to start working. Alfons--er, Alberto would need to start splicing neighborhood plants as soon as possible. I knew he was in my room, ordering seeds.
"Hey, Alfie, I was ... is Jed in my bed right now?"
"Yep."
"I guess he'll need a room." I gave him a good prod, but he didn't wake up. It was kind of funny really. In an infuriating, inappropriate way. That can be hilarious, right?
"Jed, get out!" Alfie barked. It was very authoritative and sexy.
I was still kind of considering stealing away Muttonchops, but I plopped myself down and admired Alfie's authority and lack of remorse. He was very receptive.
But as we flirted, Jed sauntered back in, crawled back into my bed, and immediately fell back asleep. I was stuck with this person now. He lived here. It's still funny, right? RIGHT?
So Alfie suggested we go out for a while, get away from Jed until Kinley could figure out somewhere for him to sleep. It was her mistake, her problem, etc. How could I resist.
He picked a nice little bistro with red curtains. I wasn't nervous or anything.
The date was fantastic. He really liked hearing about my creepy family. Especially the evil ones. So, all of them!
I was a little worried that his evil instincts might get triggered for just a second. I mean, it was exciting!
But you never know.
Maybe being a little bit scared just made it that much more magical.
I hear love is a funny thing. I love funny things!
