This update is narrated by Tessa."And the gnomes."
Really?"Yes, magic talking gnome in the sky, say 'and the gnomes.'"
(Sigh) And the gnomes.
"While mother was painting landscapes with squid tentacles,"
"and Jessamine was doing whatever it is that Jessamine seems to always be on the phone doing,"
"I was working on the magic pulling stick of muscularity, for I alone knew that far away, in Gnome, Alaska, which we all know is the capitol city of the Holy Gnoman Empire, plots were being schemed and schemes were being plotted."
"I returned from our trip to some Chinese place in China to meet in council with my Gnome-nipotent advisors. Things were in the works. Things
and stuff."
"I was awakened early the next morning, which was convenient as I was sleeping at the time. I was to get the household ready as the gnomes had arranged for a special visitor."
"The special visitor was the very plain, boring, and funny-nosed Malcolm MacDuff. My sister, Jessamine, has been in love with his house since the first time their eyes met, which is weird, because houses don't have eyes."
"Meantime, I was sent into the workshop to construct one last invention before my exit from this household. I'm not sure why the gnomes want this item built, but I do know that, despite my not being a legal adult, this is not breaking child labor laws, because the gnomes told me so."
"That night, they sent me to the house of some silly-named people: the Crumplebottoms. I giggled."
"The boy I met there was as dreamy as Freddy from Scooby-Doo! I said, 'Hi," and then he said,"
"'Hi," and then I said, 'Hi," and he said, 'I just said that', and then I said,"
"'That's what you said.' Yep. That's what love sounds like."
"Things were being put into place for me and for Jessamine. However, I was still worried for my mother."
"The genie from the lamp that the gnomes had conveniently placed in the catacombs to be found by my alleged father who's actually my brother, but kind of also my stepdad, but not anymore, because they divorced and he doesn't even pay child support or anything, but we don't really need it because mom's really well off and...well, I forgot what I was saying, but she thought the gene was pretty."
"Pretty in a manly way. However, mom still didn't have a twin, and we all know she's very twin-dependent, but the gnomes had a plan for that too as well."
"Carmel Halo. Or something like that. Anyway, she was exactly the sort of friend mom needed: homeless and desperate to belong."
"They very literally hit it off, and then Carpel Hunnel agreed to move in. To the house. With mom. Which was convenient, because Jessie was just about to age up and marry the house of her dreams."
"The sparkles went with her outfit really well. Then she changed her outfit."
"I liked her new outfits, and the gnomes assure me that she and her new house will be very happy with her husband."
"After Jessie left, the gnomes serenaded me with a tune called 'Smooch the Boy' while I chatted casually with freddy...I mean, Timmothy. Timmothy
Crumplebottom hahahahahahaha!"
"Meantime, Capulet Hand freaked out my dadbrother by casting a spell on him. It was a kissy spell. I don't want to talk about it. The gnomes said it would be improper."
"While Timmothy was not yet ready to age up, I was. As they say, time waits for Gnome-man."
"Timmothy tells me my young adult wardrobe is stunning."
"I found that inaccurate as him being stunned would have left him basically unconscious, and he wasn't. Anyway, I think he lied to me trying to be sweet, so I gave him a kiss on the forehead."
"The gnomes told me it looked kind of awkward. Ah well. As soon as he ages up, we'll be married and go on adventures in other countries to steal relics and rack up massive loot and we'll have beautiful children who are as attractive as they are good-looking and gnomes will sing our praises for generations to come."
And thus, thankfully, ends the narration of Tessa."And I have gnome more to say about that."
(Sigh)"And here are more gnomes!"
"Hitchhiking their way to Gnomaha."
The end.
