“
The Continuing Adventures of Sleuth Douglas” or, “
Desperate Measures for Desperate Times”
Sleuth Douglas is miserable. He has read and re-read Peregrine Pickle’s masterwork on the art of love, but romance continues to elude our hero. Telling no one of his plan, he resolves on a desperate course of action. He walks down to the end of the hall, far from anyone who might hear.
He takes out his phone and places a call.
A woman’s voice answers: StarPhoenix Classifed Desk, may I help you?
Sleuth (whispering): I want to place a personal ad.
The woman: You’ll have to speak up, sir, I can’t hear you. What did you say?
Sleuth (louder than he intended): I want to place a personal ad!
The woman: I see, sir. That would be the Companions section?
Sleuth (miserably): Yes.
Anne Flanders (for that is her name) has been doing her job for a long time and has dealt with embarrassed young men before. She says: What would you like your ad to say, sir?
Sleuth: I just want to meet a nice girl.
Anne Flanders: What sort of girl do you want to meet?
Sleuth: Friendly! With red hair!
Anne Flanders: A friendly girl with red hair, yes sir. And what would you like to say about yourself?
Sleuth: Say I’m interested in photography and art - girls like that, don’t they?
Anne Flanders: I’m sure a lot of girls would like to meet an artistic young man. Anything else?
Sleuth: My family is rich!
Anne Flanders: Hmm, if I were 20 years younger, I’d go for you myself.
Sleuth: Really? Would you like to go for dinner?
Anne Flanders, laughing: Oh, I don’t think so. But I don’t think we should put in the bit about your rich family, that might attract the wrong sort of person. I think we have enough information to put in a very nice ad for you. It will be in tomorrow’s paper.
Sleuth hangs up in relief.