Complaints Department*This does not form part of the story. It's just something I put together as an apology for having left this story so long!*
Sebastian: Hello? Is this the Complaints Department?
*keyboard tapping*
Sebastian: I can tell you're playing Farmville.
Sarah: I think you'll find I'm filing a legal report.
Sebastian: Same difference. They're both boring and not to do with me. I'd like to see the lawyer, please.
Sarah: I am the lawyer.
Sebastian: But... aren't you the receptionist?
Sarah: Just because I'm female. Maybe I should get a receptionist to stop this happening. Maybe a balding bloke.
Sebastian: This isn't important! I'VE BEEN ABANDONED BY MY WATCHER AND I NEED TO MAKE A COMPLAINT!
Sarah: All capitals is considered shouting. Please fill in a form.
Sebastian: A form. I've been held hostage for two months, nobody's noticed, and she wants me to fill in a form. I bet she's lying about not being the receptionist. Either that or her law degree is a forgery.
Sarah: I think you may want to try muttering about me more quietly.
Sebastian: Drat.
Sarah: So, how do you want this to be resolved? I believe your watcher is already on the case, albeit in a slightly... unusual way.
Sebastian: I want a rescue party. And a good one. Not one of those ones you see on films where they fail and a man in a vest has to come along and solve it all himself.
Sarah: Legally, the complaints department can only force other people to act, we can't change anything ourselves. What we'd normally do is write a formal complaint letter to your watcher, detailing your concerns and what you'd like doing about them. Your strongest case is that you've been abandoned by your watcher. But how true that is, considering we've found traces of her in your file, isn't quite clear.
Sebastian: Without the legalese?
Sarah: This might not be one for the complaints department. There might be more afoot.
Sebastian: You're not going to abandon me, are you?
Sarah: Not if we can help it, but our powers are limited.
Sebastian: Give yourself more powers!
Sarah: Unfortunately we're lawyers, not evil dictators. You can read our guidelines if you do want to know more.
Sebastian: Looks like good bedtime reading.
Sarah: I'm sorry, Mr Shark, but you might be in this one by yourself. There's no negligence we can prove on behalf of your watcher, and the hostage-taking isn't under our remit. We'll write her a strongly-worded official warning letter.
Sebastian: Again, English?
Sarah: Sorry.
Sebastian: I'm going to abolish bureaucrats!
Sarah: Again, I'm a lawyer.
