Mothers and Daughters - AlanaMy elder birthday collided with me far sooner than I'd hoped. Seb had assured me he'd still love me, but you can't blame the older woman for still having her doubts. I'd made my peace with the idea of aging, though, it's hard to stop that and I don't know if I'd want to. Living forever - I might be Evil but that's not for me. I'm not a cliche.
We'd thrown a party, for no other reason than Seb likes parties. I had no idea he'd invited my daughter until a girl in a baseball hat whispered "Mum?".
"Lei? Does your dad know you're here?" Oh great. The big mother-daughter reunion and I asked if she's got permission to be out. Because everyone knows that's the way to win your teenager over.
"Umm. Not exactly. He hasn't rung you to see, has he?"
I seriously doubted Kai remembered when my birthday. was He never remembered when we were together.
"Doesn't matter anyway, you're old enough now to do what you like." A slightly awkward pause. "Are you still interested in art?"
"Mum, I miss you. I know you don't want to come home and that's fine. And I know you don't love Dad and that's fine too, because he's annoying sometimes and I don't know if he appreciated you. And Seb does and he's a really nice man. But I'd like to see you sometimes. I'm sorry I was rude when you waved at me by the school."
My daughter. She's a far better person than I'll ever be, and so good with her words. Of course I miss her too. Why didn't I just say that?
As always, I walked away from Leilani thinking about all the things I should have said. Both then and earlier in her childhood. The conversation I'd had with my daughter had been awkward, but maybe I could get to know her more. Maybe, even if I'd run out on her as a mother, we could be friends.
It perhaps wouldn't make up for what I'd done, but at least I wouldn't be any worse of a mother.
And, you know, losing your looks pales into insignficance against that.
I still can't say I felt amazing with my newly-saggy face. And let's not even mention my figure, or the unflattering clothes that are all that I could now wear it seemed. Everything fitted wrongly or made me look like my mother. At least my hair hadn't suffered too badly, and could still look classy grey.
Zane is my focus for now, he's the child I can make up for my mistakes with. Not that I won't work at my relationship with Leilani - I will. But Zane I will never have to leave as a child. Every day he becomes a little bit more perfect.
Unless, of course, I die. Which is a risk, being an older mother.
The twins will never have that problem. Mary Sue is devoted to both of them, although their dad isn't anywhere near as attentive. Still, Leilani never had her dad around much either. I can see a lot of similarities between Daniel and Kai and I don't like that.
But Mary Sue is doing a fine job with raising the twins and teaching them their skills, so I don't worry for Angela or Lilith. She's a better mother than I was when I had Lei.
My job here now is to lay the foundations for the lives of the next generation. I've started a little garden, giving the reason that the produce will help Mary Sue with her cooking. But really, I like the idea of nurturing generations of plants and seeing the next generation bloom out of the last. Because I doubt I'll see grandchildren, certainly not from Zane. And I'd like to leave a legacy I can see, as well as the one I won't be able to.
