Sometimes, no matter how meticulously you plan, the universe likes to throw wrenches in the works. Case in point, the night after Leisure Day. Uncle Emmett had just aged up to elder and grown a totally epic old guy beard.
He wandered off, presumably to eat more potentially lethal jelly beans. I slumped into a chair at the table to write a love letter to Hiram, sure to include lots of little periodic table symbols and riddles in the margins. He's not stupid, my Hiram, but he loves teasing me about how smart I am. Actually, I'm pretty surprised how often he does figure out some of the riddles I put forth.
Ah, he turns me to mush.
At that moment, the biggest worry I had in the world was whether or not my friends and family would pass judgement on me when I told them I intended to marry Hiram. Oh, yes. He may not be a genius like me and he may flirt up a storm with every woman in sight, but Hiram and I balance each other out. We fill up the places where the other one is missing. We keep the sink operable, you know? I worry about the sink.
Anyway, right then, like the splitting of Pangea, suddenly my whole world went to pieces.
They'd gone to the summer festival. Mom wanted to try out a spray tan. "The paint will be on
me, Goop! You should get one too!"
He'd teased her and said, "Are you sure you want to be all orange for your elder portrait."
Then she'd kissed him, slapped him lightly on the head and said he'd better take artistic license to make her look as good as possible. He was 90 on the dot.
The thing about my dad is that he's an easy going guy. He never makes a fuss and he's a people pleaser. I hear that he almost lost the chance to be with Mom that way. In any sense, it's his nature, and he put up no fight with Grim.
Mom, of course, was shattered. She called Gran, who broke it to me and Ophelia at the dinner table.
I swear I'm not a monster, but this presents a giant problem. There is now no one in the house to paint my mother's elder portrait - which means she cannot eat ambrosia until one of us can - and that one of us must not be either myself or Gran, as painting is a unique supermax. Apparently I'm not the only one who realized that, because suddenly there was cheering from the yard.
While Gran and Ophelia comforted each other, I wandered out to see Emmett surrounded by confetti and people protesting yeti. He'd just retired. Well shy of his lifetime wish.
"Rosetta, I'm off to take a painting course," he said to me, before hopping nimbly into the motive mobile gliding out of the driveway. Suddenly his new home was at the easel.
A slightly smaller problem is that my mother is now short a best friend for her requirements. She's begun to learn charisma to make a quick one in time for ambrosia.
As for me, I may not cry, but you can bet I didn't feel the elation I expected to when it came time for my young adult birthday. Ophelia put on her best enthusiasm for me, though I think Gran was experiencing the same sort of guilt.
What can I say. I immediately loved being a young adult. I immediately felt ... liberated. And my bottom lip shrunk a little!
I tried to call Hiram, but got no answer. I'm a bit concerned as he's still showing as a teen in my roster. It's not that I have a problem waiting ... it's that it might be a bit awkward with the career I've chosen to be dating a high schooler ...
That's right, I'm going to teach! The superintendent was almost moved to tears when I attempted to fill out an application. "Rosetta Classic!" she'd bellowed. "You have a tenured spot here from the day you graduate. You are the most remarkable student to ever pass through these doors."
And then she hugged me! It was uncomfortable.
The next day she presented me with my diploma and a wink. I'd been made valedictorian and also, surprisingly, "most likely to get married!"
I think perhaps people weren't judging Hiram and I as harshly as I thought. However, he was not in the procession of graduates, which concerned me all the more. When I called him this time, he answered and agreed to meet me in the park. You have no idea the relief I felt when he rounded the corner and saw a strapping young adult Hiram instead of a shorter-than-me teen Hiram.
This time it was like the cracking earth beneath my feet mended just a little. Or maybe I hopped to an island. I wouldn't have to dump him or worse, teach him.
"There you are!" he said, rushing over. "I was so worried when you weren't at graduation yesterday."
"I graduated today!" I said, brandishing my valedictorian ribbon.
"Oh, Etta, congrats! I mean, no one is surprised that you're in the top slot, but still! What's that other ribbon?"
"Nothing. Come on, I'm taking us to dinner."
I got us a table at the bistro and we loitered around outside a bit afterward. He always can talk me into sitting on the dirty cobbles in my nice clothes. He's just irresistible that way.
"Guess what?" he said.
"Hm?"
"I've memorized all the stars you've named."
"You have not!"
"I'll prove it. There's Camillo, and there's Freddie, and there's AskHiramtoMoveIn."
"You're such a cad!" I giggled.
He swept me up and looked deep into my eyes. "I know I'm not good enough for you, Etta. I know I'm one of those guys whose charisma put them on top of the world in high school and suddenly I'm an adult babysitter with no house and no prospects. I've never been good enough for you, but I love you more than I ever knew I had the capacity to love."
"I know, Hiram," I said. "I know. That's why I've been looking for you. We need to talk."
"I thought you might say that," he said, releasing me and attempting to keep his face stoic. "Let's have it then."
"Right," I said, bracing myself.
"I'm going to need you to marry me."
"What! Really?! What!"
He repeated that chant for a while. Once I finally got him to accept the ring (and then put it on my finger, because I'm the girl and that's how this works), I told him he should go ahead and move in, so we could get him set up with a nice tux for the wedding and get him off the streets.
"You're my angel, Rosetta," he said.
"Angels are not proven supernatural elements of our universe," I replied, hugging him back.
Well, he cleans up nicely, I think. He grew his hair out a bit and outfitted himself in slate gray. "I can't wait to put my charm on with all the single old ladies in here!" he said, when I showed him around the house.
Ophelia immediately appeared in a doorway and purred obnoxiously, "what about the married ones, big guy?"
They're ridiculous. They ended up playing dominoes for three hours. Has to be the least sexy game ever.
The night before the wedding, I invited him to sleep in my room instead of in Freddie's old bed. I felt a bit nervous for him to see me in my nightgown, without make up or styled hair. "Do you still love me?" I asked.
"Sorry, I've forgotten how to speak," he said.
We fell asleep in each others arms for the first time. I was so contentedly dreaming of the wedding to come that I didn't hear the ruckus as one very special wedding guest arrived.
Freddie! So much bigger than when he left! He's only here for the weekend, but we were all so thrilled to see him. In fact, I was so excited that I forgot to get a good image of his face (apologies! I'll grab one before he leaves). He was the first thing I saw when I walked into the kitchen in my wedding dress, preparing to go outside and stand under the wedding arch. We flew into each others arms.
"Oh, Freddie, look at you! We miss you so much here!"
"Etta, Etta, you look beautiful. I'm going to cry a lot during the ceremony. Crying is encouraged at school!"
"Of course it is. Oh, I'm so glad you're here!"
Before I knew it, it was time for the vows. As you know, I'm not very emotional, but I really struggled not to slide into complete goofy sentimentality.
My mother cried openly. She seemed so happy to see me at the arch with someone who loved me, even if Dad couldn't be there.
As he slid the wedding band on my finger, the first sprinkles of rain started.
And then another unexpected shift! First of all, there's an alien at my wedding. Why wasn't I told that there was an alien in the congregation?! Secondly, he's dead.
Grim didn't stay for cake, but he did offer me congratulations, which was unexpected! We all ended up having to flee inside when the rain really started coming down. In the privacy of our bedroom (our!), I took Hiram's face in my hands and looked at him hard in the eyes. "You're amazing," I said. "Did you see that alien ghost!"
"Did I?" He laughed. And then we got frisky.
