Of course I saw Fjord again, whenever she came to visit Iris for morning coffee or had any other excuse to drop by. I would chat with her and occasionally join her and the Ingbergs for dinner in town, but nothing more than that. I thought I was just being cordial, but eventually a package arrived, addressed to the name I was using in Aurora Skies. It turned out to be tickets to Fjord's concert, which would open the town's Winter Festival.
The "music" at the show was incredibly loud and unlike anything I'd heard before. There were flashing lights and explosions, and the crowd was jumping, waving their arms and screaming non-stop at the top of their lungs. During the last song, I realized Iris was shouting at me. I couldn't hear a thing over the sound of the massive speakers and cheering crowd.
"WHAT?" I leaned closer.
"DO YOU LIKE IT?" she yelled back.
"IT'S NICE," I lied.
"IT'S ABOUT YOU!" She smiled again, even wider, gave me a gesture with her thumbs poking up, and then tossed her head to direct my attention back to the stage, where Fjord was smiling at me as well while she sang.
You fill up the sky / Like the curtains of light / That come out of the darkness to brighten the night
I was lost / Missed my chance / 'Til you crossed my path
Now I know, now I know / That I want you
And I know that you / That you'll want me too
And you'll love me too / In timeAs the song ended and the music died away, Fjord was beaming at me from the stage. Iris was yelling something to her that I couldn't make out, and the crowd was cheering again, louder than ever. I clapped as well, but I could feel myself getting dizzy. Maybe it was the lights, or the noise, or the press of people, but in all likelihood it was Fjord's smile, that looked so much like Savna's when we'd met on her family's boat. I made some sort of muddled excuse to Iris, and then headed for the door.
The next day was Snowflake Day, and it couldn't have been more aptly named. Though I had seen snow here before, plenty of times, and I'd marveled at the white flakes drifting down to the ground or biting into my cheeks when driven by the wind, I'd never seen anything like the scene that greeted me when I climbed out of my basement that morning. The world was covered in white, with sunlight gleaming off the crystal blanket that had fallen overnight.
Iris was planning another party for later in the afternoon, but first things first, I wanted to give Jonas the gift I'd promised him on his birthday. With Iris' permission, I'd traded one of the wild horses for a small, gentle mare from one of the farmers outside town. As soon as Jonas saw her through the window, he threw on his jacket and came tearing around the corner, skidding to a halt as the horse danced backwards and snorted at him.
"Where'd you get her? Is she one of the wild ones? Are you keeping her?"
"Slow down," I cautioned, putting a hand on the mare's neck to calm her. "You'll spook her. Just stand still, and let her smell you."
She whuffed at his collar a couple of times, then nudged at his ears. He laughed, and reached up to stroke her muzzle, as entranced with her as he'd ever been with Astanal. "What's her name?"
"That depends on what you call her," I said simply. "She's yours."
He blinked at me in amazement, and looked back at his mother, who nodded her approval. With a whoop of pure joy that sent the little mare dancing back on her heels once again, he flopped backwards into the snow and started swinging his arms and legs back and forth in delight. Astanal, always the clown, flopped on his back as well, and joined in.
Fjord was at the party that afternoon, and I am ashamed to say I deliberately avoided her. Maybe it was a cowardly thing to do -- of course it was a cowardly thing to do -- but I could excuse it my head by reminding myself that I was too busy with my studies and with helping the Ingbergs to get involved with anyone yet.
In truth it was hard for me to be at the party at all, watching the family celebration. As the children played in front of the fire, Iris laughed with her sister in the kitchen, and Jakob shared a drink with friends, flirting with Fjord was the farthest thing from my mind. I just wanted to get away from the reminders of everything I had left behind, and everything I had lost, so once again I made some excuses, and once again I slipped outside.
Jonas followed me out, and tracked me down at the rudimentary stables I'd built behind the house while the barn was under construction. I hurriedly ran my sleeve across my eyes when I heard him call my name and turned around with a false smile. "Wouldn't you rather be inside?" I asked. "It's quite a party."
He kicked at the snow, feigning disinterest. "Doesn't matter," he scoffed. "My dad's just telling everyone how great Ilsa's doing in school, and showing off some her paintings. I'd rather be out here."
"Listen," I said gently, trying to think of a way to defend Jakob. "Your father is just as proud of you as--"
"It's OK," he interrupted me, though his one-shouldered shrug belied his next words. "I don't care anyway. I just came out to thank you for the horse." He toyed with the zipper on his pocket for a moment, wavering awkwardly between teenage bravado and childish sentiment. The child won out one last time, and he suddenly wrapped me up into a tight hug. "You didn't need to do it. You don't need to give me anything. You're already everything I needed -- I just needed a real dad."
I hugged him back, but I was stung by the words as they echoed in my head. It was true that I owed the Ingbergs more than I had repaid. And Jonas was a fine young man who just needed some guidance. I cared about him, and I was happy to provide it when I could. But I was already a "real dad," and his words made me realize I was failing my real daughter and my real family. Missing them didn't help them. Avoiding things that reminded me of them didn't help them. No matter how much progress I was making on my other tasks, none of it would matter without a child, and I was shirking away from my most important job. A "real dad" would do what needed to be done, no matter what.
Luckily, Jonas wasn't waiting for a reply. As soon as the heartfelt words were out of his mouth, he stepped back and shrugged again with the same adolescent indifference. "Anyway, I'm supposed to tell you we're all going skating. My mom says you can come along if you want."
There was laughter at the front of the house. Fjord was getting in the car with Iris, and Ilsa was already piling into the backseat. "Tell them to wait," I said. "I'll come. But I need to get something from the basement."
When I came back upstairs, I had a ring in my pocket, and I was determined to ask Fjord to marry me that very night, no matter what my heart might try to tell me.
